One thing that has changed over the last three years or so is my motivation. I'm really pushing myself now, I have goals. I know it makes me sound crazy but I want to change the world. I want to show people the power of the individual, what one person can do, and inspire in them what great things, together, we may become. I'm constantly working to meet my definition of "great", and I'm planning a book that, in depth, covers it. My goal is to become larger than life, to make this world as amazing as I possibly can, and I have to martyr myself to it relentlessly.

It took me a long time to realize that doing so was the only thing that would make me feel fulfilled at the end of the day, and this only came to me when I had a graduating class looking up to me. I think that did change me more than anything else, but there were more gradual things, too. I try not to let petty things bother me anymore. I do my best to lament nothing, I got so sick of sitting around brooding over things I couldn't do anything about. Life is really short, and I have much better ways to spend my time.

I've given my life's path a lot of thought...I've studied Buddhism, various sects of Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Nihilism, and quite a few other beliefs. What really set me on my course was when I was arguing against Nihilism, I was arguing that this world, that everything, does matter, because what "matters" is only relative to the individual perceiving it, and not solely the Nihilist. I decided that the only thing that matters to me is this world, that this is where I want to be, and that my only concerns past my own security and happiness were the present and future of this world. 

I went a step farther some time ago; my grandfather was like a second father to me, and was very important to my childhood, and I learned his last words, "I need something to hold onto." I can't let that happen to me, I have to know that I did something, that I did everything possible. That, on my death bed, I can know for a fact that I had martyred myself to what really did matter to me. Is that noble? To cast away any chance at redemption whether you believe in it or not, and do as I think I should? Or have I just lost my mind?

It's not a question of logic, though. It's a morality question. In a society when the norm is only self-gratification, is it insane to sacrifice one's self for something else? Is it honorable? And is it honorable still if the only reason one is doing so is for their own self-gratification or validation?